Jokes&Funny PG rated SMALL PICS. HERE

**Afrush** · 08-12-2006, 09:09 PM

We got started on this because missing was saying that Wayne and I were being to boring. I think it needs a home for its own so let the jokes begin.

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

**cshreves** · 08-12-2006, 09:34 PM

Some Signs:
In a podiatrist'soffice: "Time wounds all heels".

On a plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a fence: "Salesman welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment".

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout".

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows."

**sgarduno79** · 08-14-2006, 07:21 PM

How to make an elephant stew.
Take one large elephant and cut up into bite size pieces. This should take about a month.
Bring to boil one large cauldron of water adding seasonings to taste. Add meat. Cook until tender and well done. This should take about one week.
Add vegetables (carrots, peas, greenbeans, celery and onion). Simmer to taste.
Now if you are expecting more company you can add one rabbit to the stew, but do this only if necessary because most people do not like to find "hares" in their stew!!!

**RR-Guy** · 08-14-2006, 09:19 PM

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks him over and asks, "How did you get the peg leg?"
The pirate said,"Well, I was boarding a ship and a cannon ball came flying across the deck and took me leg off just below me knee."
The increduluous bar tender then asked, "So how did you get that hook on the end of your arm?"
The pirate said,"A crew man on the ship I was boarding took me arm off with a sabre and so I had this fine hook put on for me hand."
The bemused bar tender then asked, "Well, how about that patch on your eye then."
The pirate told him, "Oh, a bird crapped in me eye."
The bartender did not believe him, "You can't lose an eye from a bird crapping in it."
"Aye,but it was right after I got me hook."

**cshreves** · 08-14-2006, 09:43 PM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out,a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But,before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus,which he had picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same,no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,the cop shook his head in disgust and disbeliel.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing> It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"
"Oh,my god," screamed the lawyer! My Rolex!"

**Afrush** · 08-15-2006, 04:49 AM

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

**wolven4478** · 08-15-2006, 05:55 AM

"The Cork"
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class,when one notices the other has a huge cork up his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying", said the second Arab,that cork looks very uncomfortable.Why do you not take it out?

"I regret i cannot",lamented the first Arab."It is permanently stuck in my butt"

"I do not understand",said the other.

The first Arab says,"I was walking along the beach and i tripped over an oil lamp.There was a puff of smoke,and then this huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and a top hat came boiling out.He said,"I am Uncle Sam, the Genie.I can grant you one wish!

I said,"No ****?"

God Bless America!

**sgarduno79** · 08-15-2006, 06:07 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke." The waitress then turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That'll be $6.40, please," she says. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later, the waitress comes with the order and says, "That'll be $12.62." Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."